I Still Remember You, My Sweet Angel Baby.
It has been almost 1000 days now.
I did not dream you up. You were real.
You were inside of me, a part of me -- and you will always be mine.
No, I am not crying anymore, and I am not counting the moments without you, but I remember you. I spent months crying. I spent months heartbroken over the lost moments I had imagined with you. I spent months wondering about who you were and how you would alter this family for the better. And you did. You altered us in ways that we never expected.
Your short life, which many considered to be not worth talking about, ended before it ever began. To some, you were merely a 'miscarriage,' but you were so much more. You ARE so much more.
Two babies have joined us earthside since you gained your wings. You know this of course because you have the best view possible. You, my darling, are a precious angel, and I will hold you someday.
These babies did not replace you. They did not push your memory or importance aside. They did not make me forget about you. My sweet, sweet angel baby, the few weeks that I carried you opened my eyes to more than I could have imagined.
Now, as time continues to pass, you continue to be a part of me. You connect me to so many others who know this heartache. You show me beauty in the small and delicate parts of life. You teach me to appreciate what I have and to focus on each moment as it is gifted to me. Time is a gift, and you have helped me to stop dwelling on the past or focusing on the future. You have taught me the importance of time and just how quickly it can pass. I hold the babies that are here closer because of you.
I share your story so others will not try to forget their own angels. I keep you in my heart because that is where you belong. You would be two and a half right now. I imagined you in tutus and pigtails, but monster trucks and dirt may have been more your style. Your personality would shine in all of its glory at this age, and if I stop to wonder too long, I get lost in the moment and the tears fall again. I imagine it will always be this way. I imagine that life will continue on... dance recitals, soccer games, first dates, and college applications sent out for your siblings. I imagine that it will be all-consuming; however, you will always be right there. You will always be this tiny part of everything.
When I stop just long enough, I'll cry your tears.
You see sweet baby, you will never be forgotten. A mother never forgets her babies.